Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
