You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
