I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
