One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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