You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
