I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Is this like a preordered booty call?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Randomize
