so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
