The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
