hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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