Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Found your dick twin last night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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