Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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