Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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