I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
