I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
operation have a gay friend backfired
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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