did you get engaged???
plz talk dirty to me
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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