Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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