It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
