i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
