she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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