I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You're like the curious george of whores
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
be right there i have to get my cape
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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