This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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