so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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