when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
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so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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