Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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