our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
