It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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