I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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