I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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