i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
