I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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