the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
