Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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