She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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