Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
