My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
