During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette