Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
