Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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