also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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