Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
