this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
