So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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