How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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