That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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