FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
