so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
