I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
