Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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