I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
operation harelip BJ is a go
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
