The brown eye won't let me do that either.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
