My Higher Power is John Stamos
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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