Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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