if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
