I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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