Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
