Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
