Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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