when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
