i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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