I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
