her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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