I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
